denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance
A very dear friend of mine posted on social media once about a family member that had passed away. She listed all the things they taught her, lots of good memories and skills she still uses. She ended the post by expressing that the one thing they didn't teach her was how to live without them. Truer words...
The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Or that's what "they" say. If you ask me, the five stages of grief are aksdnfa;ohn['aoingalkdn'[oaidngalksdngfa;osidf because honestly grief is just a big ol jumbled mess of emotions that can change from one second to the next. Anything can be a trigger to take you forward a stage or back three.
Maybe this falls under depression. Maybe it does not fall under anything. But here it is and here I am, feeling it's weight at the most random of times. It began a few days ago when I sewed up some holes in my husband's pants. I did a decent job and even replaced the needle on the sewing machine myself, and I wanted to tell her. This past weekend we went to one of our favorite places to do one of our favorite things, and I wanted to call her. We always called her. Every year on this day, even when she did not get out much, she would call me and say "there's a Valentine's present for you waiting at your Mom's." No more picking her up for hair appointments and staying longer than I should. No more telling her what was going on with the cows. No more Sunday lunches with Mamaw. No more picking out what I want for my birthday lunch she fixed every year. No more.
We were always very vocal to each other about how much we loved each other. No holiday went by without me receiving some kind of card, usually with a long note of thanks and love. I tried to tell her I loved her every time we parted, whether in person or on the phone. I am not sure, though, that I expressed enough how much I needed her. I think I took for granted that she would always be around, and did not even remotely prepare for the "new normal" we now face without her presence. I need her to tell me things will be ok. I need her to tell me stories about her past, listening to every word as she relived her glory days. I need her to give me updates on the cows. I need her to call me about small stuff, and to tell me congratulations on even the smallest victories. I need her to check on me after a bad day. I need her to be the sounding board when I am annoyed with everyone. I need her hugs and her laughs. I need her to tell me she's proud of me.
