When the house is empty and the lights begin to fade.
I had, just a few hours before, posted about good memories and sweet times. I had posted about being where I am and the future and doing things I love. But last night something changed. Something hit me. Maybe it was sleep deprivation, maybe it was the fruity danger in my glass, maybe it was my husband leaving for work. Maybe it was a bad cocktail of a combination of dark thoughts and even darker skies.
Last week was so busy that I did not have time to dwell on many emotions, and definitely did not have time to have mixed ones. If I am honest, I am so tired of feeling tired the majority of the time, or on my way to being there. I know it is just not getting over one exhausting event before moving to something "completely different" as Monty Python would put it, but I can also tell that I am not as young as I used to be.
We lost a calf last week. I had named him Olly because he was born close to my Papaw's birthday. We had to bottle feed him for a while when he was younger because the cow didn't have quite enough milk. And now, at almost weaning age, he was coughing, wheezing, and looked pitiful. Mom was prepared for him to go, but I was not prepared to look down and see his little still body. We covered him up until dad got home and do what else had to be done that day. The vet talked about it possibly being because he wasn't getting enough nutrients/problems with milk from the cow. That also adds complications because then there was the discussion of what to do with her after this. I found a picture of us playing with him on my phone last night and it brought tears to my eyes. You would think after so long in this business I might be less emotional about it, but that would be a wrong assumption. It is still hard, young or old, naturally or because they are not performing as they should, to lose one.
Do you know what happens when you do not have time to deal with being emotional? It comes flooding in tenfold at very inconvenient times...like when you accidentally pick a semi-depressing episode of a new tv show. You take comfort in your sweet fur babies and the ice clinking in your glass as the tears roll down your face. Thoughts begin to roll in like a train pushing toward the station, dark as a locomotive from an old western and foggy as the smoke billowing from the stack. You feel lonely and long for warmth, and not the kind that the muggy summer night air can give you. You miss people far away and not so far, but you also just want to go to sleep. Perchance to dream I guess, or maybe because you haven't consistently rested in a while. So you take melatonin even though it gives you odd dreams, and eventually you drift off in the actual darkness as the thought train puffs its way further and further down the track. At least, that's what I experienced last night. Those nights happen sometimes, and some are easier to describe than others.
Overwhelmed. That's the one. Overwhelmed.
