These things do happen.

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 These kinds of things just don't happen...

around here.
to us.
to people like that.
right now.
this soon.

Versions of this same sad song seem to play on repeat....
when they found her car in the river
when I got the text about her brother
when I saw the picture of us on the memorial slideshow
when he text them where to find his body
when she called my mother sobbing
when 9 years did not seem like enough time

I have thought this all too often lately. I am not naïve. I have been privy to such things for years. I know they exist. But now, left to my own devices, they haunt me. In such volume and so close to this heart of mine...I did not imagine. The truth is none of us know. What is happening. What will happen. 

I should have seen the signs.
I could have done more.
What could I have changed?
Why?

Darkness is not my friend. Neither is solitude. My tears seem to cleanse what my heart wants to leak out, but it does not cleanse my mind. Not of the thoughts of what was. Not of the thoughts of what could have been. Not of the confusion and the questions.

My soul knows these thoughts...
cannot change the past.
cannot bring anyone back.
cannot bring answers to the questions
only serve to steal the potential joy of the present

But what I know and what I feel are not always in sync. What my brain allows to creep in in the midst of the darkness betrays me. I crave rest from these trains of thought but instead, they approach derailment. 


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